The Story of Sorry

Our society has been constructed in a way where people heed words and terminology with far more traction than emotions and ideas. In politics, this could be the dreamer who is allowed support until it's finally realized that he's essentially a socialist. We see it in schools with final judgement being given in terms of grades and tests rather than cumulative expression and participation. On an even more basic, everyday level, it's the daily interactions that people hold, and the artificial groups that people form to shut others out, as well as to differentiate themselves from others with mundane words and labels. I think that manners also fit in this category, as many people don't seem to have a thorough understanding of politeness past the initial list of words used repetitively in social situations.

I was raised to adhere by politeness, taught expressions like please, thank you, excuse me, and sorry, and to always practice respect, especially toward those older than me. It was a basic, yet necessary part of my existence, but around fourth grade, my politeness went in a pretty satiric direction. I became instinctively triggered to use the word sorry in just about every situation, not just those that could potentially offend, but any instance where I even interacted with a person. I look back, and see it as a high wall that I had caged around myself, and eventually a solid case of obsessive-compulsion. It become so habitual that it was something that I was infamous for throughout the rest of elementary school. Sometimes people thought it was cute, but I think that was with the individual sentiment, and every time I said it, often over and over again, it felt like it drained a little bit of the human out of me. One of the last straws was going to camp the summer after 5th grade, and seeing a skit around the campfire where they acted someone out, and we had to guess who that person was. The utterance of "Soory, soory, soory", with my trademark 'double o', made it fairly obvious. That word became a crutch.

As I unconsciously started to let go of my troubled constant apologies, I began to understand that often times, it didn't matter what you said, or even how you said it, but what it came down to was intention. I think that a lot of people are raised to act by certain standards, but they never learn what those standards mean in terms of themselves, and how to weave it into their own lives and mindsets, instead of just piling it on top and calling it practice, action, or belief. It's like, you have to have a foundation of emptiness in order to allow particular notions to mold with your process of thinking. I'm as polite than I've ever been, if not more due to constantly growing, and it's because I've become a different sort of instinctual about it. I can't put a number on times that I express verbal gratitude in a day, but it really doesn't matter, because I think my manners are an efficient part of my personality, and the way that I deal with other people one on one. This doesn't mean that I don't say things like please and thank you, it's just that everything is so subjective, that I can become a chameleon and adapt through action, saying particular sentiments when I know that they will make an impact. It becomes easier to connect with people, I believe, when you are both able to disregard terminologies and let actions speak for themselves, like a secret that both parties mutually understand. There is, however, one word that I usually refuse to verbalize, let alone think. A single word or thought can have an impact on your entire psyche, so to change and minimize your process of thinking or speaking is to cut clutter. At first, I began to cut the number of times that I said sorry in a day, trying to limit it in regards to authenticity. With that, and with age, my perspective began to encompass this understanding that everything happens for a reason, and that to say sorry was holding up a barrier, refusing to learn from mistakes. This isn't always the case, of course, and with societal expectations it seems inhumane to completely cut the word out of your vocabulary, but I also think that it's like an act of defensiveness and a refusal to gaze life straight in the eyes.

The word sorry can hinder your feeling of timelessness, the ability to live in the present moment. If used in moderation it's the occasional reflection, but when saying the word profusely becomes a habit, it's like constantly being dragged back into the past. I don't think it would really make sense to calculate the time lost as an argument, but life has the potential to be meditative and maintaining composure within the Now without necessarily looking behind or into the future definitely counts for something. Living in the moment is also a chance at ecstasy, true bliss. Again, this is akin to meditation, and I think it relays a feeling of happiness. I'd actually be interested in seeing a study comparing how frequently people use the phrase "I'm sorry" and their daily levels of happiness. There would need to be a function to differentiate people who had once said, "I'm sorry," from people who had never, for that would most likely make a difference, the smaller the number the more fascinating in regard to the study. Quantitatively, I believe that there would absolutely be a difference between the "apologizers" and their previously afflicted counterparts, of course with outliers, and that the numbers would be much smaller with the latter group.

Historically, social norms have always existed as they reflect the collective mind playing influence above the individual, which is natural in a society cohabited by man. Slang and dialect, like every aspect of culture, can branch out within a society if enough people immerse themselves, so of course these becomes instances of social normalities as well. There's a funny cause and effect reaction when a person's personalities, attitudes, and beliefs cannot be separated from the individual's action, in either direction. They become indistinguishable, and it's hard to tell which one affected the other. A society saturated with apologetic people has so many defenses up that it's difficult to make progress, as if we're not open to disagreement, which makes it impossible to change and progress. There was an article in the New York Times opinion page about politician Newt Gingrich's reaction to a joke that Robert De Niro made about first ladies. Gingrich's response was that it was "inexcusable and the president should apologize for him." This depicts a pretty great representation of what the American people have come to truly be about. It's like society has disregarded the entire idea of a means in favor of the ends in almost every situation. Every thought seems so definite, like it's either good or bad. That leaves a lot of room in between untouched. Progress, of a nation or an individual, requires balance, tolerance, and the ability to both imagine and act upon a dream. Honestly, I believe that Gingrich's comment shows how the media and politics have becomes more cluttered than ever before. It's like tabloids, seeking resolutions for even the tiniest bit of conflict. Every single action requires a letter to the man upstairs, telling your mother every time somebody acts independent of the status quo, and at 68 years old, goddamn it!

I'm not trying to call out manners in general, I just think that they represent a step in the level of growth for humanity. It's like a musician learning an instrument through scales and practicing technique, but eventually finding his own flow and branching through that. Practice ethics to becomes an ethical human being, and I think the playing field stretches as far as the eye can see. At a certain point, allow ethical thought to become inherent and unsaid, free flowing actions that represent ethics and respect. It's a crutch and a paradox, in that to be sorry is to be untruthful either to the other person by lack of sincerity, or demeaning by calling yourself out. Be the judge of your own actions and let acting ethically be a part of who you are. I think that "Judge not lest ye be judged" of Matthew 7:1-5 in the Bible doesn't dissuade a person from judging, but it states that judging subjectively demands one to look at themselves as well from the same perspective as their other critiques, practicing respect by looking down.